Seriously Lady?

Take a deep breath- this one is long.

Generic is replacing actual University name.

Tech: This is ____ with the Tech Support Desk at Generic State University. How can I help you?

Client: This is "Generic" State right?

Tech: Yes, this is the Tech Support at Generic State University.

Client: That's like a college right?

Tech: Yes. We are a State University.

Client: Yeah... but that's like a college right?

Tech: Yes.

Client: Oh... where are you located?

Tech: We are located ______.

Client: Oh... okay. My daughter is in the 8th grade and said she wanted to go to college. What can you tell me about it?

Tech: When she gets into high school these are all things she can discuss with her guidance councilor.

Client: So she can get into college?

Tech: These are all things she can discuss with her guidance councilor in high school. Some high schools in the area do allow students to take college classes while in high school.

Client: How does she do that?

Tech: These are things she needs to discuss with her guidance councilor when she gets into high school.

Client: She was also talking about wanting to get her driver’s license. She is 14. How do you sign up for drivers ed classes while in high school?

Tech: High schools in the area no longer offer drivers education classes. You have to go to a privately owned drivers ed program- however they tend to be very pricey.

Client: Oh... if I worked she would be able to get her driver’s license. Why don't they offer it in high school anymore?

Tech: I'm not sure. My best guess would be for insurance reasons. She would be able to get her license at 18, and that would not require a driver’s education. However insurance would be much higher for someone who has not gone through driver’s education.

Client: OH okay good. I guess I'll have her wait until she is 18. How do you get your driver’s license?

Tech: ......

Tech: There is a written portion and maneuverability. She must pass with a 70 or higher to get her license.

Client: So she could get an 80, 90, or 100 and pass?

Tech: Yes.

Client: Thank you for all of your help and patience! I also...

Tech: My pleasure, you have a lovely evening!

Client: Ohh... bye!

Menus

Client: It all disappeared!
Tech: What All disappeared?
Client: Like where I had youtube and google and all that. Its all gone!
Tech: Ok, go ahead and click "View", then "Toolbars", the "Bookmarks Toolbar"
Client: It didn't work.. They are all gone! I had them yesterday!
Tech: Click on "Bookmarks"
Client: OH!! That's where they all are! *GASP* WHAT HAPPENED?!? THEY ALL WENT AWAY!!
Tech: Click on "Bookmarks" again...
Client: I see 'em again!
Tech: Yes, sir, that's how menus work.
Client: What do I do if they go away again?
Tech: You click on "Bookmarks"
Client: OK! Thanks!

Read Only

Client: How do I burn things to a CD-R to make it read only?
Tech: Any time you burn a CD-R, it is read only.
Client: Oh...

Seriously?

Client: It says "Enter Username", what do I put?
Tech: Your username.
Client: Oh... What do I put for "Enter Password"?
Tech: Your password.
Client: Oh... And what do I put for "Enter security question answer"?
Tech: The answer to your security question.
Client: Oh... that makes sense.

No! The browser!

Tech: What browser are you currently running?
Client: Road Runner.
Tech: Ok.... What internet program are you using?
Client: Road Runner.
Tech: No, the program you use to connect to the internet.
Client: I have Road Runner.
Tech: What do you click on to go to the internet?
Client: Road Runner!
Tech: Does the program currently on your screen say "Internet Explorer"?
Client: No! It says Google!
Tech: No, the very top, the title bar. What does it say?
Client: Google..
Tech: And then?
Client: Then it says "Internet Explorer".....
Tech: There we go!

Smart Phones

Client: I can't log into my account.
Tech: Okay let me just take a look at it...
...
Tech: I see that you're locked out. Do you have a smart phone?
Client: Yes.
Tech: Have you changed your password recently?
Client: Yes.
Tech: This is common. We do have an issue with the smart phones you just need to change the your new password manually in your phone, and you shouldn't have anymore troubles.
Client: I'm sorry I don't understand. What is a smart phone?
Tech: Umm... well... Do you check your email on your cell phone?
Client: No.
Tech: So you don't have a smart phone?
Client: No.
Tech: ...

This isn't too complex, really...

Tech: The new password needs to be 8 to 14 characters long.
Client: How many is that?
Tech: 8 to 14, it could be as little as 8 characters or as long as 14 characters.
Client: OK. But how many is dat?

If the Cable Fits...

Client: I can't get any of my phones to work!

Tech: Ok so are you getting a dial tone at all?

Client: Whats that?

Tech: The hum you hear before you start dialing.

Client: No I can't hear nothing!

Tech: So you've tried multiple jacks and none of them work?

Client: Nope none of em'. I tried that WAN port, all four of the yellow ones and the one on the back of my computer and none of em's workin!

Tech: Ok, well those are ethernet ports for internet connection on an ethernet cable. You'll actually need to plug your phone lines into the telephone jacks on the wall to get service.

Client: Oh...That makes sense...

Anonymous

Client: I just can't log in...
Tech: Well, lets take a look here, what is your username?
Client: I don't really know...
Tech: Ok, I can look you up with your name.
Client: *says name*
Tech: Ok, give me just a second... I don't see you in the system anywhere.
Client: Do I have to register for the website first?
Tech: You haven't registered?
Client: No.
Tech: To log in you must have an account. To have an account you must register.
Client: Oh! That's why it wasn't working!

It doesn't do what it used to do.

Client walks up to Tech

Client: Something's wrong with my computer.
Tech: ... what's wrong with it?
Client: It doesn't do what it used to do.
Tech: Like...
Client: It just doesn't work like it used to.
Tech: Is it not turning on? Does it have a virus? Is it going slow?
Client: I don't know... it just doesn't do what it used to do. I don't know what happened.
Tech: Can I take a look at it?
Client: Yeah, here you go!
*Client hands laptop to Tech
Tech: It isn't turning on.
Client: I know! I haven't used it in a long time.
Tech: Is it charged?
Client: No.
Tech: Can I have your charger so I can see what's wrong with it?
Client: Oh, yeah.
Tech: Well it's not booting your operating system. Since you don't know what happened to it when did it start doing this?
Client: After I dropped it.
Tech: ... You're going to need to take this someplace else. If the hardware is broken we can't fix that here at the University. You'll need to take it someplace else.

Do you even know what a dictionary is?

Author's note: Terrible spelling used here to illustrate the amount of raw stupidity client was echoing forth from her face-hole. The client was of an advanced age and was speaking painfully slowly.
Client: Imma change my paaaasswerd.
Tech: Ok, click on, "Reset Password"

Client: Ok! Umm... it says "Account Number" and asks me a question.
Tech: Fill in that form.

Client:Oh! ok!
Tech: Yep, then it should bring up a form that lets you enter a new password.

Client: Can it be Christmas?
Tech: It can't be any word that could be in the dictionary.

Client: Can it be blueberry?
Tech: It can't be any word that might be listed in a dictionary.

Client: Can it be Christine?
Tech: It can't be a name because those may or may not be listed in the dictionary, and cannot contain personal information.

Client: Can it be Charlie?
Tech: No.

Client: How about 333dog?
Tech: You password cannot contain repeated characters, or dictionary words.

Client: Can it be Pepsi.
Tech: No. That violates the no-dictionary-word requirement and the password needs to be between 8-14 characters.

Client: That many?
Tech: Yes... That many...

Client: OK!! Imma try it mahselfs nao an' uh Iee call ya bak if it no work.
Tech: Ok...
*click*
*wait 2 minutes*
*ring*
Client: Do I click on da change passwerd buttun?
Tech: YES!
Client: Well imma click over here again...
Tech: *Facepalm*
Client: It say whu? Lawgin??
*more random clicking*
Client: Well.. that dunt werk. Now whut?
Tech: Go back to the page and click on the "Reset your password" link.
Client: I dun even know wheer I am anymore... *random clicking*
Tech: Go directly to the address bar.
Client: Where's that?
Tech: At the very top middle of your internet window, it is a text box, click it.
Client: I dun have one of those...
Tech: At the top. It is there.
Client: I dun even see nutin like that.
Tech: Its there. At the top. Text box. You type in it. You put webpages in there.
Client: I dun really know what ur talkin bout. I ain't good at no computer. *random clicking* Wut um aii dooin?
Tech: ...
Client: OH SHOOT!
Tech: ...

Client: Ok, I typed it in, now what?

Tech: Press 'Enter'

Client: Where's 'enter'?
Tech: Two rows directly below backspace.

Client: I don't got that one.
Tech: It may be listed as 'Return'

Client: Ok, I got that one...
Tech: Press that key.

Client:  NUTIN.
Tech: Type it again. Click the Go button, or sometimes there is an arrow button.
Client: NUTIN LIEK THAT.
Tech: Click the text box. Did you do that.
Client: Ya.
Tech: Press 'Return'.
Client: It gone un werked that way.
Tech: Yea... I know...
Client: An I click on?
Client: Reset. Your. Password.
*Several minutes later*
Client: NUTIN I TIPE IN GOIN THRU!
Tech: I will generate you a password.
Client: OH GOOD.
Tech: You still need to type it in the box and set it though.
Client: Aww...
*Tech generates 10-character mixed case alpha-numeric password because he can.*
Tech: You password is 7Ihs51jdY6.
Client: HAWD ON A MINUTE! IMMA GET UH INK PEN! Where's that damn pen..... Now I can't find paper. IT OK I GOT PAPER AN-UH INK PEN ON DU TABLE OVA DAIR. Imma go by du table... uh huh..
Tech: Ok... *repeats password*
Client: OK IMMA TRY IT ON MAH OWN NAO I CALL YU BAK! OH HI JOHN! *click*

Do you want ribbons with that?

Client: How do I delete that bar at the top of my slide? I want to send it to my professor, but I don't want to send that bar too...
Tech: Go ahead and click on the bar until you see its outline, then press the 'Delete' key.
*furious clicking*
Client: I keep clicking it, but it just doesn't want to highlight.... Do I need to delete the tabs one by one?
Tech: What tabs?
Client: The one's that say 'Home' and 'Insert' and so on...
Tech: Those won't be included in your slide. That is part of the PowerPoint software, your slide is the square in the middle, nothing else is sent in your file.
Client: It won't be included??!
Tech: No, ma'am. Its only a part of the software, your professor will only receive your slide in the middle.
Client: Are you sure?
Tech: Completely.
Client: Ok, thanks!!!

Capital Numbers

Note: Horrible spelling used to illustrate accent and awful use of drooling-vocal-emitting-face-orifice.

I just spent 30 minutes on...

A password reset. But this wasn't any ol' password  reset... It was her third time calling tech support, and she couldn't understand why it wasn't letting her in. She was determined to stay on the phone with me the whole time... Reset, made sure she was on the proper website (even had her type it in while slowly repeating each letter), but half the time, the website wouldn't respond.

Attempted to initiate remote support, as I wanted to see exactly what she was typing in. She gets to the site, clicks on my username.

Client: "WEEL IT DUDNT DO ANITING"
Tech: "Strange...", I thought... 

Client: "WEEL I PUTIN DA DUBA-YOU AN I CLIKD DU TING DAT DROP DOWN"

Apparently, someone made a typo when putting in the address on this shared computer, and she was clicking on the typo'd history dropdown.
So I made her type it in. By hand. All the way. This process took a good three minutes of my life.
She finally got to the site, but still, STILL was getting the "Wrong username/password" error. I asked permission and attempted to log her account in on my end.
Of course...
It went through.

Client: "OK DEN! HAWLD-ON! IMMA MOVE 2 U-NUDDER COM-PU-TERR"

She moves to another machine...
Same thing.
Over
and over
and over
and over.

By this time, the client in on her fourth computer.

"DO I USE DA ALPHABET ZERO ER DU NUMBER-THANG ZERO??!??"

Note to the reader, in this establishment, our usernames are a 6-digit number, prefaced by the number zero.

The number.
At the top.
Still uses the wrong one. Somehow.
Use only the number pad. On the right. Yes. Only those.

She gets in. Attempts to change the password.

"DUS THE NU WUN GO AD-DA TOP TWICE ER DU OLD WUN UP AT DU TOP TWICE??!?"

Here in our web site, you confirm your old password first, then type in your new password in the two boxes below, to prevent typos.


At this point, the client is completely and utterly confused, has no idea what she is doing, and for some reason, is attempting to eat the keyboard like a savage.
A little exaggerated, but you get the idea.
"The old one at the top, ma'am, and the new one in the bottom two boxes."

...
...
"I DUN KEEP MESSIN DIS TING UP WHERE R U? CAN I COME 2 U 2 HELP ME LAWG IN?"
"Yes, ma'am, we're in the basement of the ******** ******* Building."
"I DUN KNOW WEAR DAT IS I BY ***** ******"
"Go to the basement, follow the arrows that point to '********* *********'"
"OK I SEE U DER"

At this point, I'm pretty sure this is over. There isn't any way she could walk and find me, even with signs. Ever. She doesn't even know my name. She will most likely get lost and never come home, and no one will miss her.

She finds me. Specifically me.
And you know what. Just to spite me.
She uses the letter "o" in her username.

They're all the same, right?

Client: I can't get into my email...
Tech: Ok. Is the page giving you any specific error messages?
Client: Well.. I keep trying to log on with the stuff I got in the mail from DDDDD University.
Tech: Ok, what is the page telling you when you try to log on?
Client: It says, "Email address does not exist, would you like to create one?"... Do I really have to fill out all this stuff? I've already been admitted to the university, why do I need to put in my name and email address?
Tech: That isn't an error message any of our pages currently give out. What website are you on?
Client: Yahoo Mail.
Tech: Why are you at Yahoo Mail?
Client: Well, obviously, I'm trying to log into my college email, but its not working because your system is broken...
Tech: You need to go to mail.DDDDD.edu to log into your university email.... not Yahoo Mail.
Client: But I like Yahoo Mail!
Tech: But to use your DDDDD University email, you can't access our systems by going to Yahoo Mail, you need to use the DDDDDD University email page.
Client: But.... they are all the same thing, right? They all go to the same thing, don't they?
Tech: No. Not at all. Our email and Yahoo Mail are two completely different things that go to two completely different systems.
Client: OH!! That's why I can't get logged in!!
Tech: Yes... You need to use the official DDDDDD University email page to access your mail.
Client: Ok, thanks!!!

I don't think you know what this button does...

I once encountered a client who had placed a "Show Desktop" shortcut on their: Start Menu, Quick Launch, and.... On their Desktop.